WTS! About Me.

Everytime I try to speak about my past I can't say that if it was good or it was bad. I have memories, sad ones and joyful ones like everyone else. I often try not to ponder on such things but they become useful in times of trials. Afterall my childhood has been full of trials. I can say that because of those trials I can view things differently, see things through different eyes or perceptions. Perhaps because of such a gift which at times I deem a curse, I often get tongue tied and have no words. It almost feels like I have millions of voices that speak which are of those whom I thought about and placed myself in their shoes. It is like learning a new language and culture. Ofcourse it takes its toll and sometimes curiousity takes the best of you and you soon realize you opened pandora's box.
That is ofcourse the past where I am lost in myth and how to explain lifes mysteries is often contradicting and confusing. A beauty ofcourse but such things I often lose faith in.
Well more to this time and leaving back some of the past. I am attending college going for a liberal arts major. Life has hit me hard with finance but ofcourse life gives us a way through. I stalled attending college because of my financial situation. Couldn't get financial aid because when I was enrolled I was going through a nervous or psychotic breakdown which led to big decline on my grades for two semesters. After the whole ordeal I managed to get those F's to A's and B's.
I couldnt maintain my job aswell since I had become intolerant. Was working at a fastfood restaurant which ofcourse added to my breakdown. After being admitted to the hospital since I had fully became helpless to my breakdown and delusions I couldn't help but to ponder and laugh at my ridiculous situtation. It had been a moment of self realization. I wept at my crappy circumstances. No job. School grades so low, grades that in my life I have never got, F's!!! and withdraws. I was devestated and still that lingering fear if I was competent at all. All my life the last place I saw myself was at a psych ward but I realized than that at some point my past would catch up and my fears. I always thought my intelligence would be my salvation but it just so happened my intelligence decieved me. My doctor said that having a smile on your face where symptoms of being psychotic but if he bother to ask and get to know me he would know why. I smiled at the fact that I who had raised myself up to be sacred and perfect a messiah even would be brought down so low in society not by society itself but circumstance after another. I realized then I couldn't control it ALL. Soon after out of the hospital which I was for one week I applied back at college. Doctor advised to take a break and just rest, my mom insited I apply. I did so. It did me well in the end. I was happy that I had gotten my grades up and my Gpa of 0.6 or something from the past semesters turned to 1.6 I got b's and a's. So I was glad helped me feel that I still had my intelliegence with me. That time my mother was able to pay but ofcourse with that pain she has when giving money. Small things like that often bother me. Why would a mother feel pain for helping her child through school. I no longer ask her for money. When she abandoned me at age 16 I guess child support would have not made my these days so hard financially. I do not accuse her but I realize that her love for money is greater than her love for me or it could be that since life decided to trip me she has lost faith in me to be able to succeed. It is ofcourse something I do ponder and I would not blame her for. Regardless my little trip or episode has showed me to become more independent to stop trusting in my parents to help me through. My father who owns a company promised to help me make one. A failed promise ofcourse. The last semesters I was enrolled he had no money I had to pay for it while working. Ofcourse lots of stress because you depend on them after they promise to help and than turn their back. I struggle with my circumstances and ofcourse my double-hearted parents. I am working now and ofcourse its not enough to support me through college like always I have to depend on my father which I hate since like my mom yelps at giving me one penny. I missed three semsters which depresses me because of money. My father says he will pay but the truth is the added stress of when he says he can't pay and I have think of ways to come up with money destroys me. Seriously I feel so low sometimes I think of prostitution all for what? To fufill my dream of being delivered from those lows and be able to help those in my situation. Ofcourse I wouldn't prostitute myself but the thoughts to enter my mind like suicide yet I look forward and pray there is another way. I would rather be beggar than a prostitute. Though I am already a beggar. Sadly my giver is not a cheerful. No charity in my world. But that is the world I live in, I will beg and beg till I am finally on top and be able to be that cheerful giver. Though even in my rough situations I give a little that I have as a prayer for somebody to do the same to others.

So today I am working in less stress enviorment and making decent pay. I only have enough to pay for a class next semester which is sad but I am determined to be able to get more classes and start my business so that I can pay for my classes and let my business run itself while I am in school. I will fight to get that degree even if it takes me 10 years one class a semster every semester. Yes that is my circumstance it is depressing but I have faith patience and hope something which I deem beautiful.

WTS ACTIVITY!FOOD FOR THE STAR:
Be charitable give someone a dollar tip or a quarted. Have a bit of sympathy for the beggar and smile when you give him. Realize that we can't control it all but we can control somethings. And charity is one of those great things we can do. If you are callous like my father and yelp at giving a penny well consider that just maybe life will decide to make you trip and place you in the beggars shoes and you will see your own face on the man who denies you food or wine for your heavy heart.